By Nick Nilsson
Author of 30-Second Ab-Solution
If you've been training for any length of time, you know there are certain shortcomings in the products that are available at the moment.
The following is a list of products that I think someone someone should invent. I think a person could make a million dollars with these ideas!
1. The Gasless Protein Shake
If you're familiar with the gastric rumblings that occur soon after taking a big protein shake, you know how popular this item would be. It will also keep those pesky Environmental Protection Agency people off your back with their "industrial emissions violation" warnings.
2. Bench Press Air Bag Shirt
For the bouncing bencher...helps prevent rib crackage. The air bag inflates automatically when it detects terminal velocity on the bar.
3. The Sweat Alarm
Most useful in a commercial gym, simply attach one of these to each machine. When the electrodes detect sweat left on a machine after a person is done and that person starts to walk away, a loud alarm goes off and pepper sprays them.
4. Self-Cleaning Spit Mirror
This mirror is most useful in front of the squat rack. When a set is done, sensors determine the amount of spit that has appeared on the mirror then sends a squirt of cleaner and a squeegee down the surface.
5. Lister-prot-ine
A combination of Listerine mouth wash and protein powder, this supplement leaves your mouthy minty fresh instead of tasting like nasty rotten milk. Your friends and loved ones will thank you for it!
6. The Smart-A** Weight Belt For The Dumb-A** Trainer With Optional Shock Attachment
Simply put on this belt and sensors with pre-recorded messages tell you in no uncertain terms when you're doing something stupid that you're going to hurt yourself with. The optional shock attachment works like the invisible fence shock collar you put on a dog to keep in in the yard. When you break form, the belt tells you what it thinks of you then sends a sharp shock up your spine. You'll never round your back over when doing squats again!
7. The Timer-Spray Fountain With Backwash Detector
Tired of people taking way too long at the water fountain when there's a line? Tired of people backwashing into it? Fix that with the Timer-Spray Fountain with Backwash Detector. If a person takes too long or if the fountain detects backwash, a spray of water shoots out at the person to make it look like they wet their pants. Curbs annoying behavior very rapidly!
8. The OverFragranced/B.O. Biohazard Shower
This machine operates much like a metal detector/electronic sniffer. As people leave the changing room, the machine determines whether they're wearing too much cologne or perfume, if they've got rampant B.O. (or Beyond B.O.), or some eye-watering combination of both. Powerful jets of water immediately rinse the excess aroma away.
9. Barbell Curl Rack
This unique rack gives the barbell curlers an option instead of hogging the squat rack. Because it's just too hard to pick up that dang heavy bar all the way from the floor...
10. Ego Alert Siren
This clip-on attachment for barbells (most useful in the bench press) automatically detects the speed of the bar on the way down. If the downward velocity exceeds a certain pre-set limit, the Ego Alert automatically goes off, alerting everyone in the immediate 10 square mile radius that you're trying to use more weight than you should be. Also available: optional laugh track to discourage further Alerts.
11. Chicken Leg Filler Pants
Designed for those sporting the always trendy "riding-a-chicken" look, these pants for the "upper-body-only" trainer are stuffed with high-density foam padding to make your legs look proportioned to the rest of your body. Great for fending off attack dogs, too.
12. GPS Workout Enforcer
This gadget utilizes Global Positioning satellites and beacons attached to the equipment in your gym to track your location in the gym and remind you when you've been neglecting certain tiny, little nuisance bodyparts such as your entire lower body.
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If you do happen to take any of the ideas and run with them, you're certainly welcome to share the proceeds.
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