Almost
everyone has bought home exercise
equipment at some point in their life,
be it a few rusty dumbells at a garage
sale all the way to a complicated
new home gym.
But
how many people continue to use it
consistently? Here are some uses (that
you should never, ever actually take
seriously, of course!) you may not
have thought of for your forgotten
purchases.
1. Dumbells - The original
dark basement booby trap.
- Dumbells
make great children's toys. They
are, of course, heavier and more
dangerous than a barbie doll or
Play-Doh (tm) and are not really
as exciting as a video game but
they certainly are cheap and hard
to break.
- Tenderizing
meat - bash the meat with the dumbell
repeatedly. Great shoulder and arm
exercise too! May increase the iron
content of your food significantly.
- Bowling
- set them on end and use them as
pins. You will need a really heavy
ball for this.
2. Ab Rollers - These are the
abdominal training devices that feature
a head rest attached to a frame that
you set your arms on so you can rock,
rock, rock your way to six-pack abs.
- Roll
cage for a toboggan - for the safety-minded
parent. Protect your child from
the heartbreak of a rollover accident
on the sled hill by having him or
her carry this while going down.
Nevermind that they won't be able
steer because they're holding onto
the thing...
- Tenderizing
meat - lay the meat down below the
head rest and rock violently back
and forth on top of it.
- Baby
toy hanger - nothing good on tv?
Hook some old christmas tree ornaments
from the top crossbar and set your
baby underneath. You'll both be
amused for hours!
3. Thighmaster (tm) - popularized
by Suzanne Somers, no closet is complete
without this device. You simply set
it between your legs and squeeze!
- Keeps
doors closed - jam it in the corner
behind a door. When you open the
door, it squeezes the spring. When
you release the door, the stored
tension closes the door automatically
behind you! At 40 miles per hour!!!
- Tenderizing
meat - set the meat on the counter,
squeeze the Thighmaster shut with
your hands then release the spring
on top of the meat like a bear trap.
4. The Ab-Doer (tm) - This
is the chair-like ab training device
that resembles a chair with no back.
- Tenderizing
meat - of course, to accomplish
this you'll have to throw the meat
at it really hard.
- Playing
practical jokes on drunk friends
- sit them in the machine then tell
them to watch you as you run around
it a few times and you'll see what
I mean.
- Pretending
you're Captain Kirk of the Starship
Enterprise - set phasers on "useless."
5. The Bowflex (tm) - This
is a popular home exercise machine
that utilizes the incredible power
of bending things to sculpt your body.
- Conversation
piece - the classic display of this
machine in the corner of your living
room is sure to spur discussion.
"You have how many payments
left on this thing?"
- Tenderizing
meat - remove one of the bows and
slap the meat silly with it.
- Burglar
deterrant - set the machine in front
of a ground floor window with all
of the bows rigged up to the latch.
Be sure the thief signs a waiver
before attempting to open the window,
however, as he's going to get up
to 410 pounds of resistance right
where it counts.
6. Electric Ab Training Belts
- Electrocute your way to a flatter
stomach!
- Unfortunately,
they aren't very good for keeping
your pants up, so that's out of
the question.
- Place
mat/food warmer - somebody running
late for dinner? Set their plate
on it and turn up the juice!
-
Memorabilia - write the words "Golden
Gloves" on it and set it on
the mantle right next to your "Big
Mouth Billy Bass (tm)" singing
plastic fish!
- Tenderizing
meat - set the meat on the counter,
place the belt on top of it, turn
it to the highest level, then lean
down on it with all your weight
as it tenderizes and sears at the
same time!
- Driving
safety gear - does your spouse have
a tendency to get sleepy at the
wheel? That's a thing of the past
when they've got the belt on and
you've got the controls in your
hand...
7. And last but not least, every piece
of equipment that has handles, bars,
hooks, stacks, pins, corners, rails,
seats, clips, stands or attachments
and does or does not come in a box...
CLOTHES
HANGER!
