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Now
this is the real American Dream! I'm here to let
you know that it is totally possible to lose all
the fat you want while eating nothing but junk
food. The only hitch is that all the fat you want
to lose is going to have to be zero!
Here
are some tongue-in-cheek (or burger-in-belly)
suggestions for how you can turn even the greasiest,
sugariest, most overprocessed calorie bomb into
lean, mean diet food.
How
is this done? Here's a hint: it's all in how you
choose to look at the food...
1. Eat donuts instead of solid
pastries.
You
will be saving a tremendous number of calories
by eating something with a hole in the middle.
You can save upwards of 3 to 5 calories per pastry
by doing this. That means if you eat 10 donuts,
you've saved yourself almost 50 calories! Besides,
everyone knows nuts are good for you...
2.
French fries can help prevent heart attacks.
It
is a fact that French people suffer fewer heart
attacks and have lower rates of heart disease.
French fries are obviously from France, therefore
it naturally follows that French fries can prevent
heart disease.
3. Pizza is one of the healthiest foods on
the planet.
There
are many reasons for this:
- The bleached
flour in the crust sucks up all the grease
that drips down from the toppings, trapping
it so you don't see it while you're eating.
If you don't see it when you eat it, it has
no calories.
- It's round
(stay with me here). Because square-shaped
foods have corners, they contain a lot more
calories than round foods. To save even more
calories, cut a hole in the center of the
pizza (refer back to #1 for full details).
- The cheese
on the pizza is loaded with calcium -- even
more than the Tums you're going to need after
eating the whole thing.
- You can easily
reduce your servings without sacrificing enjoyment.
Instead of cutting the pizza into 8 slices,
try cutting it into only 4. You've just eaten
HALF the number of slices you ate before!
Imagine how many calories you'll save by doing
that!
- Vegetables
covered in grease are still vegetables. Never
mind that all the nutrition has been baked
out of them, you're still getting you're recommended
daily servings of veggies.
- There is plenty
of fiber in the paper that's stuck to the
bottom of the pizza. Don't be afraid of it.
4. Beer is the absolute best
beverage you can drink when you're watching your
waistline.
It
helps to put it right out there in front you where
you can see it.
5. Look for foods that have
air bubbles in them.
Examples
include chocolate bars, Twinkies (after you suck
the cream filling out), soda pop, sponge cake,
and cheese puffs. As you know, air has no calories.
Look at these foods as the wrapping for a low-calorie,
low-fat serving of air.
6. Putting ketchup on anything
makes it healthy.
Think
about it. You're getting your vegetables in a
concentrated paste. It's like stepping into the
future... today!!
7. Here are a number of delicious,
zero-calorie foods you may not be aware of:
- Anything eaten
while standing has zero calories.
- Anything eaten
off somebody else's plate has zero calories.
- Food sampled
for "tasting" purposes during preparation
has no calories.
- Food sneaked
from someone after you distract them is also
calorie-free.
- Anything eaten
after the expiration date contains no calories.
8. Eating ice cream can actually
help you burn an enormous amount of calories.
The
key to this lies in its temperature.
Ice
cream is very cold. When you eat ice cream, your
body must expend energy (a.k.a. calories) to warm
it up to your internal body temperature.
When
you work through the scientific formulas for heat
conversion, you can see you will end up expending
approximately 6,000 calories to heat up a small
dish of ice cream to body temperature. Drinking
ice cold beer with your ice cream amplifies this
effect.
These
diet tips should have you well on your way towards
effectively peeling off pounds of unsightly fat.
Think
of me next time you're eating a pizza with french
fries and ketchup on top, dunking your donuts
in a glass of cold beer, and shoving down Twinkies
(with the filling sucked out) mashed into a dish
of nice cold ice cream!
DISCLAIMER:
The preceding information is not medical advice
and should not be taken as such. If you feel the
urge to take any of this "information"
seriously, please lie down until the feeling goes
away. Thank you.
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