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Almost
everyone has bought home exercise equipment at
some point in their life, be it a few rusty dumbells
at a garage sale all the way to a complicated
new home gym.
But
how many people continue to use it consistently?
Here are some uses (that you should never, ever
actually take seriously, of course!) you may not
have thought of for your forgotten purchases.
1. Dumbells - The
original dark basement booby trap.
- Dumbells make
great children's toys. They are, of course,
heavier and more dangerous than a barbie doll
or Play-Doh (tm) and are not really as exciting
as a video game but they certainly are cheap
and hard to break.
- Tenderizing
meat - bash the meat with the dumbell repeatedly.
Great shoulder and arm exercise too! May increase
the iron content of your food significantly.
- Bowling - set
them on end and use them as pins. You will
need a really heavy ball for this.
2. Ab Rollers - These
are the abdominal training devices that feature
a head rest attached to a frame that you set your
arms on so you can rock, rock, rock your way to
six-pack abs.
- Roll cage for
a toboggan - for the safety-minded parent.
Protect your child from the heartbreak of
a rollover accident on the sled hill by having
him or her carry this while going down. Nevermind
that they won't be able steer because they're
holding onto the thing...
- Tenderizing
meat - lay the meat down below the head rest
and rock violently back and forth on top of
it.
- Baby toy hanger
- nothing good on tv? Hook some old christmas
tree ornaments from the top crossbar and set
your baby underneath. You'll both be amused
for hours!
3. Thighmaster™
- popularized by Suzanne Somers, no closet is
complete without this device. You simply set it
between your legs and squeeze!
- Keeps doors
closed - jam it in the corner behind a door.
When you open the door, it squeezes the spring.
When you release the door, the stored tension
closes the door automatically behind you!
At 40 miles per hour!!!
- Tenderizing
meat - set the meat on the counter, squeeze
the Thighmaster shut with your hands then
release the spring on top of the meat like
a bear trap.
4. The Ab-Doer™
- This is the chair-like ab training device that
resembles a chair with no back.
- Tenderizing
meat - of course, to accomplish this you'll
have to throw the meat at it really hard.
- Playing practical
jokes on drunk friends - sit them in the machine
then tell them to watch you as you run around
it a few times and you'll see what I mean.
- Pretending
you're Captain Kirk of the Starship Enterprise
- set phasers on "useless."
5. The Bowflex™
- This is a popular home exercise machine that
utilizes the incredible power of bending things
to sculpt your body.
- Conversation
piece - the classic display of this machine
in the corner of your living room is sure
to spur discussion. "You have how many
payments left on this thing?"
- Tenderizing
meat - remove one of the bows and slap the
meat silly with it.
- Burglar deterrant
- set the machine in front of a ground floor
window with all of the bows rigged up to the
latch. Be sure the thief signs a waiver before
attempting to open the window, however, as
he's going to get up to 410 pounds of resistance
right where it counts.
6. Electric Ab Training Belts
- Electrocute your way to a flatter stomach!
- Unfortunately,
they aren't very good for keeping your pants
up, so that's out of the question.
- Place mat/food
warmer - somebody running late for dinner?
Set their plate on it and turn up the juice!
- Memorabilia
- write the words "Golden Gloves"
on it and set it on the mantle right next
to your "Big Mouth Billy Bass (tm)"
singing plastic fish!
- Tenderizing
meat - set the meat on the counter, place
the belt on top of it, turn it to the highest
level, then lean down on it with all your
weight as it tenderizes and sears at the same
time!
- Driving safety
gear - does your spouse have a tendency to
get sleepy at the wheel? That's a thing of
the past when they've got the belt on and
you've got the controls in your hand...
7. And last but not least, every piece of equipment
that has handles, bars, hooks, stacks, pins, corners,
rails, seats, clips, stands or attachments and
does or does not come in a box...
CLOTHES
HANGER!
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