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"More
is better" is a classic bodybuilding
mantra...if a little of "x"
is good, a CRAPLOAD of it should be
that much better, right? Absolutely…it's
NEVER wrong to totally overdo things.
[Note
to those who are new to the concept
of sarcasm...this article is NOT
real so don't actually TRY any
of this stuff!]
Here's
a list of my favorite bodybuilding techniques,
taken to the MAX.
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1. Fascial
Stretching...to the MAX
Normally, this
is done to stretch the fascia to allow room
for the muscle to grow (fascia is the connective
tissue sheath that surrounds your muscles,
which can limit growth by constricting them).
To really take it to the max, whack the snot
out of yourself with a cricket bat for an
hour every day to really tenderize the fascia,
then drink 4 gallons of water to fill up the
muscles, then do a couple of minutes of stretching.
2. Creatine MEGA Loading to
Increase "Explosive" Power...to
the MAX
A "normal"
creatine load is 4 teaspoons a day, 5 days
in a row...which is total kids stuff. My dog
takes more than that. Now let's take it to
the MAX and take a full WEEKS worth all at
once, then do THAT 4 times a day. And yes,
your stomach swelling to 5 times its normal
size...that's supposed to happen. That means
it's working. And those horrible noises in
your digestive tract...like a tractor stuck
in the mud...same deal. This type of creatine
MEGA loading will definitely increase your
"explosive" power...but not in any
way that you'd actually WANT.
3. Low Intensity, Long-Duration
Cardio For Fat Loss...to the MAX
We all know
that low-intensity cardio training burns primarily
fat, right? Time to take it to the max! Reduce
the intensity to almost nothing and do it
ALL DAY. Just sit quietly on the couch and
wiggle your fingers all day. You'll be ripped
in a matter of days.
4. Do Bicep and Chest Training ONLY...and
to the MAX
Who needs anything
else! Working the back and legs is for losers.
I am a HUGE fan of that "riding a chicken"
look. It just screams balance and proportion.
After all, legs are only really useful for
transporting your hulking, hunched-over torso
from the flat bench to the power rack for
some killer barbell curls.
5. Fat Burners...to the MAX
If your nervous
system isn't fully activated 100% of the time,
you're wasting valuable minutes on "recovery"
rather than fat burning. Because if you want
to be able to eat whatever you want and still
lose weight, that takes REAL effort and dedication...and
insomnia...and jitters...and never operating
heavy machinery. Seriously, your metabolism
will stay a lot higher when you NEVER sleep.
6. Forced Reps...to the MAX
This is THE
best training technique that every total beginner
should use. Forced reps should be done on
every single set...even your warm-up sets.
You can't call yourself a trainer till you've
had somebody spot you for 50% of your reps
of reverse wrist curls with 6 lb dumbells.
And stay FAR away from deadlifts...there's
just no way to have a spotter do most of the
work for you on that exercise. You'll be stuck
doing it all yourself...what's the point of
having a training partner then?
7. Eat 12 Meals A Day...to the MAX
You don't want
to take a chance on your metabolism slowing
down by skipping third breakfast...or elevensies.
You definitely don't want your body to have
to resort to using bodyfat for energy. That
would be just insane. And don't forget to
set your alarm to wake you up 6 times a night
to drink a protein shake. Better yet, set
the alarm for 10 minutes from when you go
to sleep then just keep hitting the snooze
button all night and sip your shake each time
it goes off. That way, you'll get at least
48 protein feedings in an 8 hour night! Totally
anabolic, dude.
8. Magazine Supplement Ads Are ALL True...to
the MAX
My best advice
to you, if you want to build fat and burn
muscle would be to take EVERYTHING you see
in the magazines. Everything...especially
the stuff that has no research behind it,
which is actually most of it. You will definitely
look like the guys in the pictures if you
do (and that goes for you ladies, too). Yes,
the more inert, unsubstantiated crap you can
throw down your gullet to cement up your digestive
system, the better. It's called "stacking"
and it's the best way to make sure you never
know what, if anything, is working and what's
just giving you diarrhea.
CONCLUSION:
As you can see,
it's ALWAYS good to take things too far. More
is definitely better, in all circumstances.
You'll always get double the results by doing
four times as much as you're supposed to.
