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IMPORTANT!
This information is strictly intended to be humorous!
Do not attempt these strategies unless you really,
really feel like it.
As a personal trainer, I always like to see people
put on as much weight as possible leading into
New Years Resolution season. It gives me more
to work with when they come to me to lose it.
:)
If
you find yourself dangerously underweight this
holiday season, fear not--help is on the weigh!!
These tips will help you to maximize your assets
to the fullest extent possible in the limited
time you have available.
1. Nap After Every Meal
This
includes breakfast. This is a favorite trick of
the Sumo wrestler. The idea is to eat as much
as possible then go directly to sleep, a time
when your body doesn't use much energy and has
a greater tendency to store food as fat. Turkey
and warm milk for dessert will help you accomplish
this if you're not tired enough.
2. Follow Fatty Meals With a Sugary
Dessert
What's
the best way to make sure that fatty food isn't
wasted by burning it off? Eat 12 sugar cookies!
The sugar will help raise your insulin levels,
helping to push that fat directly into your fat
cells where it'll be safe.
3. Stay Away From Veggies
Vegetables
have far too much fiber and will leave you feeling
too full to eat enough afterwards. Even a good,
rich dip won't be able to compensate enough for
this problem. If you love the taste of dip, save
it for the potato chips. Not only do chips have
more calories, they are shaped more like scoops
than vegetables and you'll be able to get more
dip per chip.
4. Gravy is the Fifth Food Group
To
really maximize your weight gain, your food pyramid
should be floating in a lake of gravy. Gravy is
loaded with life-giving energy in the form of
fat and corn starch (a wonderful, high-glycemic
sugar that will help ram that fat right onto your
hips).
5. Reduce Your "Running Around
Town" Levels
This
is especially true when shopping for presents.
You will burn off way too many calories trying
to fight the crowds at the mall for you to effectively
gain weight. Hire some neighborhood children to
fetch things for you or rent a golf cart. If you
must walk around when shopping, be sure to stop
at the food court or pretzel stand every half-hour
to refuel.
6. Drink Alcohol Late At Night
Only
do this if you are of legal age, of course, and
never drink and drive. Drinking is one of the
best ways to increase your unlean body mass that
there is. Each gram of alcohol contains 7 calories
per gram instead of the wimpy 4 calories in a
gram of regular carbohydrates. On top of that,
alcohol has the added bonus of turning off your
fat burning hormones. And all of this accomplished
at night when your metabolism is at it's slowest...what
could be better??!!
7. Skip Breakfast, Have a Light
Lunch and Hog Out At Dinner
By
skipping breakfast and depriving your body of
fuel, you will help slow your metabolism early
in the day when it normally would be at its fastest.
This will help set up your expansion plans!
The
light lunch should consist mainly of sugary foods
to help skyrocket then plummet your blood sugar.
This will help you to feel much hungrier when
you sit down for the big feast of the day.
Dinner
should consist of fatty meats, gravy, lots of
butter, egg nog, cookies, and something fried.
If you must have a salad, save it for last after
you've finished up with your higher-calorie selections.
And be sure to cover it with enough dressing so
that you can't tell what color of food you're
eating.
8. Save the Exercise For the New Year
Exercising
will only burn off precious calories. It will
also help build muscle mass, which is a definite
no-no if you want to put on as much fat as possible.
Muscle will burn up those valuable calories that
you've worked so hard for all day long.
9. Don't Leave The Table
A great
weight-gain strategy is to park yourself at the
table all day long. Let someone else clean up
the breakfast dishes, wait there for snacks to
be served, start into lunch soon after that, lie
back and have a snooze (provided you've planned
ahead and pulled a recliner up to the table),
then wake up in time for dinner. This will result
in a favorable lethargy-to-gluttony ratio.
10. The Santa Claus Racket
Tell
your children to leave milk and cookies for Santa.
When they go to bed, drink the milk, eat the cookies
and leave one present under the tree. Wake up
your children and tell them that Santa only brought
one present and that if they want another one,
they need to leave more milk and cookies. Sent
them to bed. Drink milk and eat cookies. Repeat.
The
bonus part of this strategy is that your children
may be so tired by the time you're done, they
might let you sleep in a full fifteen minutes
longer than they regularly would!
Put
all these weight gain strategies into effect and
I guarantee there will be more of you to love
come January 1st!
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